Day 161: August 2, 2011.

Well hello, my beautiful friends!  It has unfortunately been quite a number of days since I last touched this blog, but I’m here to say that I am BACK!  Those of you who know me well—or even those of you who don’t know me that well! —may have noticed that I fell off the positivity train these last few months and the attitudes I’ve always been so vocal about shifted significantly for quite some time.  Around late spring I kind of became more overwhelmed than I knew what to do with and from there the downward spiral careened.  It was one of those periods of time that came on so fast and unexpectedly I wasn’t in any way prepared for the emotional toll it would take on me.

Anyway, as you know, I stopped posting my daily “likes,” the positive statuses became fewer and fewer and I found myself in a place where it simply became easier to dwell on the negative things going on.  I wasn’t praying about my troubles as diligently as I should have been, I wasn’t sorting through priorities thoughtfully, and I got really frustrated really quickly because I knew that this wasn’t not a productive or healthy way to be living my days.  I didn’t feel like me and I didn’t like it one bit.  What I did know all along that comforted me was that as with all times like this I was confident that it was just an ugly phase that I would come out of sooner or later, but I wasn’t taking any steps toward reaching the light at the end of the tunnel myself because as much as I absolutely hated it, I was spending more of my time being suffocated by self-pity than just letting go of it all and saying, “God, I can’t do any of this on my own.”  I knew even at the onset of the very first pang of sadness that that was ultimately the answer to any and all trials I would face, but out of a nasty case of pride and the constant feeling of personal failure, I couldn’t get out that simple cry for help.  Because, no!  I’ve got everything under control!  I’ll figure it all out!

Ha.  Really?

Remember that feeling of being a kid and knowing you did something wrong but trying to keep it a secret from your parents?  As we get older we learn that we really aren’t getting away with as much as we think we are because our parents actually knew what we’d done all along; they probably even watched us do or say whatever it was we were ashamed of!  But when we’re young, our initial reaction to a wrongdoing is to keep it from Mom and Dad.  They can’t find out or I’ll get in trouble!  As time passes and we still think Mom and Dad have no clue what we’ve done or said—or haven’t done or haven’t said, for that matter—we realize we’ve gotten out home free!  They don’t know and I promise I’ll never do it again!

Right?

In my experiences…Wrong.

That feeling of victory was always fleeting and quickly gave way to the heavy feelings of embarrassment and guilt that would fill my heart and my mind, and those similar feelings of embarrassment and guilt had been slowly welling up in my mind and my heart over the last few months.  I know that the negativity I’d let grow into such a tangled web was the result of my own negligence for the values and truths I know to be truth, the standards I hold myself to from the time I wake up until the time I go to sleep that night. I didn’t turn from that knowledge per se since I’ve known full well through the whole ordeal what those standards are, but I merely became embarrassed by the lack of effort I was taking every day to live up to them.  I felt that I was falling short of my potential, so the longer the lack of confidence went on the more I shut down.  I didn’t want to talk about much, I didn’t want to go anywhere, I didn’t want to do anything…I don’t think I’d ever felt as incredibly low as I was feeling at that point.  (And I don’t think I’ve ever been as incredibly thankful for a lesson as I feel right now.)  Eventually it got to the ultimate breaking point (Mom and Dad can attest) and I knew this phase had to end now.  Food wasn’t comforting me anymore.  Dance wasn’t as therapeutic as it should be because I wasn’t in any kind of physical shape to really be able to get something out of it.  I missed a few days in this blog and those few days turned into a week, which turned into two, which turned into “I’m too far gone now, there’s no point in keeping it up now.”  I just felt extremely stuck in a feeling of letdown…The feeling of letting down the beautiful people I am blessed to know as family and friends as well as letting down myself. 

Melodramatic, right?  (Might as well have been scripted by a soap opera writer, is what it felt like!  Has anyone said “Cut” yet?!  Geez!)  Yeah, I know, but it was my reality for awhile so it is what it is.

I’m happy to say that sitting here in the Barnes and Noble in Union Square sipping my iced coffee (yes, I’m starting to really enjoy coffee now!), wearing a sundress, and makeup and feeling like a person again, the days of the funk are coming to a beautiful end.  This is not a, “woe is me” post fishing for pity, nor is it a self-righteous “I survived the storm, look at me now” kind of thing.  What it is, is just another account of an incredible demonstration of the love of God.  Stories such as mine are lived out every single day.  We all have problems.  No one is happy all the time.  No one can lead a perfect life because, I hate to tell you this but we’re simply imperfect people.  The great thing though is that we are not expected in any way to be as such.  We’re expected to fail, and from those failures can come the most valuable bits of knowledge if we so choose to allow ourselves to learn them.  In Romans chapter 3, we read, “…for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus” (3:23-24 NIV).  So, we know it’s going to happen.  But we know that we’re forgiven.  So the embarrassment of failure, and then the embarrassment brought upon by the embarrassment of failure—what caused me to stop dead in my tracks and freeze my life for what seemed like eternity—was totally unnecessary and completely created in my own head.  Yet though I’m still kicking myself a little for unnecessarily taking myself through such a rough patch, I’ve been so amazingly reminded that while I may have been carrying myself with very little honest faith, God never once lost faith in me and He was—and is—always here.  And as if that’s not enough, on top of that I’ve been so amazingly reminded that what has happened is of the past.  I am to learn from what my past holds but not be tied down by it.  From here I can move forward happily, confidently, and with motivation and excitement because I—we—are loved and cared about to the greatest degree. 

“Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times

of refreshing may come from the lord, and that he may send the Christ, who has been appointed for you.” (Acts 3:19-20 NIV)

Since the past is the past and what has been done has been done, the “Like List” is back :)  I’ll pick up from where I left off, going forward with my refreshed attitude and perspective.  My year will become longer than 365 days, but who says the calendar year is the timetable for this project?!  It’s time to finish what I started and remember what is actually important day in and day out :)

So today, on day 161, renewal and forgiveness are the greatest blessings I can possibly ask for :)

P.S. This is one of my favorite songs these days! Give it a listen if you are so inclined! :)