Day 162: February 5, 2012.

On August 2, 2011 I came back to this blog that I'd abandoned since spring, saying that I was starting it back up and I couldn't wait to get rolling again with my daily "likes." Well, that was short-lived, to say the least! That lasted one post before laziness and inner discouragement took back the reigns and inhibited my readiness to get myself on the path to finding consistent positivity and happiness again.

I've thought about this blog quite a bit since last August and how I hate how I didn't continue on with it.  How I let anything and everything get in the way of keeping up with it. How missing one post would turn into three, which would turn into a week, and then all of a sudden it was months later and the blog was still stuck on some date so far in the past it was simply embarrassing to even think about starting it back up.  I truly was my very own barrier there for awhile, but it's a time of my life that, now, I'm nothing but absolutely grateful for.

Over a month into the year and two weeks into my final semester of my undergraduate college career, I am in an incredible place, physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally...And let me tell you, it's taken me, honestly, about a year and a half to two years of learning and discovery and experience and life to get to this place of true, joyful contentment.  I've experienced the highest heights and the lowest valleys and through it all, here I stand (well, sit, at the moment) with a heart full of unadulterated joy.  Peace. Gratefulness.  I'm not saying happiness exactly, because there are days when I wake up and it's all I can do to haul myself out of bed, I go through the day sourly and with bitterness, and all I can do is dwell on how much I really just want to be sleeping or how much I'd love to take a little break and head home to Virginia for a few days or how much I want to, like, go on a tropical vacation on a private island in the tropics (okay, that last one isn't fully accurate, but every once and awhile I admit I've thought it!), and I come home at the end of the day as down as I left in the morning, unable to shake the negativity all day.  I do, however, seem to have reached this place of honest joy.  Joy, I feel, is an emotion I associate with peace.  Calmness.  Again, gratefulness.  It's the place where I can be perfectly content with everything that this moment right here is holding--no matter how great or how awful--and be ready to proceed into the future with a sense of awareness for where I am at this time and the feeling of excitement to take on whatever task or adventure is thrown my way.  I'll tell you, I can't put into words just how incredibly thankful I am to feel this way.  It's truly an amazing realization to come to, experiencing joy like this.  Because really, for the first time in a really long time, not one fiber of one bone in my body is dwelling in anxiety.  And after a long road to get here, it's an amazing place to be :)

Without either the times of absolute victory or the tough spots and times of doubt and darkness, this newfound thankfulness for each and every day wouldn't be yet attainable for me.  Over the last two years or so, I've had the time to learn just what it is that I'm capable of as far as my own influence on myself, both positively and negatively.  I've learned what I have to do to achieve and I've learned what I can do, or not do, that keeps me in a place without progress.  And now, being still at the start of an incredible new year and a promising semester before embarking on the next chapter of life, this is the time to take all of those experiences, all of those lessons and, most importantly, all of the tools I've been blessed with so far, and use them.  It up to me to act and that time has come.

And I feel it.  I feel the shift in perspective and approach to each day...I feel happiness for things that I wouldn't have let myself even acknowledge during the days of self-pity and self-doubt...I feel excited to work hard for my dreams and can approach the pieces of the puzzle that I find difficulty with or may not like as much as others with confidence and the willingness to problem solve.  I keep saying it, but my heart and soul are calmed with peace, and all it took was time and then one moment when I knew enough was enough...No more moping, no more waiting, no more whining, no more excuses and no more temporary fixes.


It was time to move forward, so onward we go :)

I've been writing a lot this year, which has helped me with this gradual turnaround.  (Looking back over the last few years of writing is really eye-opening and it's really amazing to see the twists and turns my daily life has taken!  I highly recommend journaling to everyone.)  So since writing has become a daily habit again, I figured now is the time to reinstate The "Like" List.  My journal entries recently have been much more upbeat and I seem to be taking note of the small things throughout these days that are bringing me happiness so, again, now's the time for no excuses; embarrassment over incompletion won't keep me quiet any longer!

I'll do what I can to stay as updated as possible, but like I've said, learning how to live right here and right now is the beautiful gift I'm working every day to use and strengthen so I can't promise perfection.  But I will promise genuine gratefulness in all accounts included :)

"Let your eyes look straight ahead,
fix your gaze directly before you.
Make level paths for your feet and take only ways that are firm.
Do not swerve to the right or left;
Keep your foot from evil." 
          (Proverbs 4:25-27)


Onward.

Today, new beginnings and renewed joy and gratefulness make me happy :)

Day 161: August 2, 2011.

Well hello, my beautiful friends!  It has unfortunately been quite a number of days since I last touched this blog, but I’m here to say that I am BACK!  Those of you who know me well—or even those of you who don’t know me that well! —may have noticed that I fell off the positivity train these last few months and the attitudes I’ve always been so vocal about shifted significantly for quite some time.  Around late spring I kind of became more overwhelmed than I knew what to do with and from there the downward spiral careened.  It was one of those periods of time that came on so fast and unexpectedly I wasn’t in any way prepared for the emotional toll it would take on me.

Anyway, as you know, I stopped posting my daily “likes,” the positive statuses became fewer and fewer and I found myself in a place where it simply became easier to dwell on the negative things going on.  I wasn’t praying about my troubles as diligently as I should have been, I wasn’t sorting through priorities thoughtfully, and I got really frustrated really quickly because I knew that this wasn’t not a productive or healthy way to be living my days.  I didn’t feel like me and I didn’t like it one bit.  What I did know all along that comforted me was that as with all times like this I was confident that it was just an ugly phase that I would come out of sooner or later, but I wasn’t taking any steps toward reaching the light at the end of the tunnel myself because as much as I absolutely hated it, I was spending more of my time being suffocated by self-pity than just letting go of it all and saying, “God, I can’t do any of this on my own.”  I knew even at the onset of the very first pang of sadness that that was ultimately the answer to any and all trials I would face, but out of a nasty case of pride and the constant feeling of personal failure, I couldn’t get out that simple cry for help.  Because, no!  I’ve got everything under control!  I’ll figure it all out!

Ha.  Really?

Remember that feeling of being a kid and knowing you did something wrong but trying to keep it a secret from your parents?  As we get older we learn that we really aren’t getting away with as much as we think we are because our parents actually knew what we’d done all along; they probably even watched us do or say whatever it was we were ashamed of!  But when we’re young, our initial reaction to a wrongdoing is to keep it from Mom and Dad.  They can’t find out or I’ll get in trouble!  As time passes and we still think Mom and Dad have no clue what we’ve done or said—or haven’t done or haven’t said, for that matter—we realize we’ve gotten out home free!  They don’t know and I promise I’ll never do it again!

Right?

In my experiences…Wrong.

That feeling of victory was always fleeting and quickly gave way to the heavy feelings of embarrassment and guilt that would fill my heart and my mind, and those similar feelings of embarrassment and guilt had been slowly welling up in my mind and my heart over the last few months.  I know that the negativity I’d let grow into such a tangled web was the result of my own negligence for the values and truths I know to be truth, the standards I hold myself to from the time I wake up until the time I go to sleep that night. I didn’t turn from that knowledge per se since I’ve known full well through the whole ordeal what those standards are, but I merely became embarrassed by the lack of effort I was taking every day to live up to them.  I felt that I was falling short of my potential, so the longer the lack of confidence went on the more I shut down.  I didn’t want to talk about much, I didn’t want to go anywhere, I didn’t want to do anything…I don’t think I’d ever felt as incredibly low as I was feeling at that point.  (And I don’t think I’ve ever been as incredibly thankful for a lesson as I feel right now.)  Eventually it got to the ultimate breaking point (Mom and Dad can attest) and I knew this phase had to end now.  Food wasn’t comforting me anymore.  Dance wasn’t as therapeutic as it should be because I wasn’t in any kind of physical shape to really be able to get something out of it.  I missed a few days in this blog and those few days turned into a week, which turned into two, which turned into “I’m too far gone now, there’s no point in keeping it up now.”  I just felt extremely stuck in a feeling of letdown…The feeling of letting down the beautiful people I am blessed to know as family and friends as well as letting down myself. 

Melodramatic, right?  (Might as well have been scripted by a soap opera writer, is what it felt like!  Has anyone said “Cut” yet?!  Geez!)  Yeah, I know, but it was my reality for awhile so it is what it is.

I’m happy to say that sitting here in the Barnes and Noble in Union Square sipping my iced coffee (yes, I’m starting to really enjoy coffee now!), wearing a sundress, and makeup and feeling like a person again, the days of the funk are coming to a beautiful end.  This is not a, “woe is me” post fishing for pity, nor is it a self-righteous “I survived the storm, look at me now” kind of thing.  What it is, is just another account of an incredible demonstration of the love of God.  Stories such as mine are lived out every single day.  We all have problems.  No one is happy all the time.  No one can lead a perfect life because, I hate to tell you this but we’re simply imperfect people.  The great thing though is that we are not expected in any way to be as such.  We’re expected to fail, and from those failures can come the most valuable bits of knowledge if we so choose to allow ourselves to learn them.  In Romans chapter 3, we read, “…for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus” (3:23-24 NIV).  So, we know it’s going to happen.  But we know that we’re forgiven.  So the embarrassment of failure, and then the embarrassment brought upon by the embarrassment of failure—what caused me to stop dead in my tracks and freeze my life for what seemed like eternity—was totally unnecessary and completely created in my own head.  Yet though I’m still kicking myself a little for unnecessarily taking myself through such a rough patch, I’ve been so amazingly reminded that while I may have been carrying myself with very little honest faith, God never once lost faith in me and He was—and is—always here.  And as if that’s not enough, on top of that I’ve been so amazingly reminded that what has happened is of the past.  I am to learn from what my past holds but not be tied down by it.  From here I can move forward happily, confidently, and with motivation and excitement because I—we—are loved and cared about to the greatest degree. 

“Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times

of refreshing may come from the lord, and that he may send the Christ, who has been appointed for you.” (Acts 3:19-20 NIV)

Since the past is the past and what has been done has been done, the “Like List” is back :)  I’ll pick up from where I left off, going forward with my refreshed attitude and perspective.  My year will become longer than 365 days, but who says the calendar year is the timetable for this project?!  It’s time to finish what I started and remember what is actually important day in and day out :)

So today, on day 161, renewal and forgiveness are the greatest blessings I can possibly ask for :)

P.S. This is one of my favorite songs these days! Give it a listen if you are so inclined! :)

Day 160: April 3, 2011.

My wonderful friend Lila sent this video to me the other day but I've been watching it ALL weekend and it needs a post of its own on here because it's kept a smile on my face all weekend!! I laugh out loud just thinking about it!!

KAITLIN AT THE MALL. CLICK HERE RIGHT NOW!!

Today, Saturday Night Live, Amy Poehler, and friends with great senses of humor make me happy :)

Day 159: April 2, 2011.

I haven't been feeling well today so I've spent most of the afternoon on the couch.  I was planning on going out and running some errands and really enjoying this GORGEOUS day, but I've been feeling really awful since about 10 this morning.  But staying in has really been okay with me!  I planted myself on the couch, turned on some mindless TV, took a fabulous nap, and did a whole lot of nothing before heading back to the theater to finish up my house managing duties for the SADC showing.  

It may sound kind of silly, but I really like the window we have in our living room.

I really like how big it is and how it doesn't back up to a brick wall (last last year) and I can see a lot of sky.  It's really easy to feel claustrophobic here sometimes with so many people and such tall, concrete buildings, so being able to lay on my couch and enjoy the openness of sky is something I really appreciate.  

Today, finding relaxing space like this makes me happy :) 

Day 158: April 1, 2011.

HAPPY APRIL FOOL'S DAY!


I hope everyone's had a fun and funny day and hasn't had any terribly dramatic April Fool's jokes played on them ;)

Today after technique class we had our first audition.  What is SADC you ask?  Well as most of you know, because I so obnoxiously talk about it all the time these days (sorry!), NYU's dance program is only three years long.  When you get to your third year, the class is referred to as the Second Avenue Dance Company, or SADC and you no longer keep the schedule that the first and second years do.  Every day you have a "company" technique class at 1:30 (which only includes third year BFAs and second year MFAs) and then after class is over at 3 (3:15?  I'm actually not sure!) the rest of the afternoon depends on which pieces you're in.  Along with student works and the faculty choreographer for the year, four guest choreographers come in and set pieces on us.  Next year we have an AMAZING lineup of professional choreographers coming in to set work!  Along with Cherylyn, the faculty choreographer and the chair of the dance department, pieces will be set by Sean Curran, Kate Weare, Sidney Skybetter (NYU alum) and Aszure Barton.  It's safe to say that we're excited and ready to get started!! :)

Especially after our first audition this morning.  We had Sean Curran and I absolutely LOVED it!  He was awesome and full of such a fun energy, his movement flowed really nicely and felt really great to dance.  Even though it was just the first audition and we won't even find out which piece(s) we're in until after our last one in September, today made look forward to next year even more :)

It's going to be an incredible year filled with awesome experiences :)

Today, the future and its opportunities make me happy :)

Day 157: March 31, 2011.

What's a better way to end a long Thursday than going for frozen yogurt with a great friend?!  Right now I can't think of one!  As you all hear me complain all the time, Thursdays are ridiculously long days. It's just go, go, go, class after class after class...They're definitely not bad, they're just definitely very long.  So as time was dragging by in my American Musical class tonight (which is a joke of a class-so easy-but painfully long and boring), Caroline and I decided that after class we'd go over to St. Marks and grab a little froyo! It was a great decision.  We got to enjoy a little treat and some great conversation! What's better than that?! :)

Tonight, friends and frozen treats make me happy :)

Day 156: March 30, 2011.

I really like this song right now:

Max Richter-"On the Nature of Daylight."

As I said in my previous post, I'm so loving instrumental music these days!  Can't seem to get enough!

And when I listen to this one I just want to start dancing :)

Tonight, artistic inspiration makes me happy :)

Day 155: March 29, 2011.

My modern art midterm is overwith.

And I'm breathing again.

Today, that makes me happy :)

Day 154: March 28, 2011.

I got three and a half hours of sleep last night.  I can't remember the last time I got that little sleep!  All I can say is I wasn't the happiest of campers when I watched the clock change to 4 AM and I knew my alarm would be going off in three and a half hours to begin a morning of dance and a day of classes, and although I somehow maintained a fairly high energy level pretty much the entire day, it was a little rocky at times.  The worst was during the break I have on Mondays between dance history and comp class, though from 3:30 until 5.  That hour and a half break is too short to go home because I'd get home in time to turn right back around and head back out, but it's too long to be sitting and doing nothing.  I always bring homework but, as you know, my brain isn't digging the whole homework thing these days so that's always short-lived.

Today, I finally made use of my break productively and after getting a little studying done, I had the best nap I've experienced in a loooong time!  The couches on the second floor of the dance building are really old and really pretty gross, but theyr'e the most comfortable couches I've ever sat on.  So this afternoon I decided to listen to my body for a minute, close my textbooks, put in my ipod, curl up and take a little cat nap.

And boy, was it a great 25-minute sleep!

Today, even the smallest pockets of time to sleep make me happy :)

Day 153: March 27, 2011.

These days I'd so much rather be dancing than studying, and I'm having a hard time focusing on the schoolwork I really need to be focusing on these next few weeks.  So today, while I was kind of "studying" for my dance history test I have tomorrow I wound up doing some music seraching on Youtube (which ended up lasting more hours than it should have!).  I'm on an instumental music kick these days, so when my friend so wonderfully sent me the link to Antoine Darfour's acoutic cover of Imogen Heap's "Hide and Seek", that's what really fueled the fire and got me going!

I've come across the music of Andy McKee and other acoustic instrumentalists and have absolutely fallen in love with the artistry of their talent!  Before, I thought being an "acoustic guitarist" or a musician of the like meant to pick up an acoustic guitar and simply play a cover of a song.  I never realized just how incredible it really is as an art!  SO beautiful!!

Tonight, new music discoveries and honed, artistic finesse make me happy :)

Day 152: March 26, 2011.

Tonight I spent some time in a dance studio rehearsing two stunning dancers for a new duet I'm setting here at school.

I left the studio completely inspired.  And thankful.  And feeling incredibly blessed.

Tonight, being a dancer makes me really happy :)

Day 151: March 25, 2011.

The first week of the last quarter of my second year of school is over.
We are in the final stretch and it feels good.

Today, making it through another Friday makes me happy :)

Day 150: March 24, 2011.

Today was actually, dare I say it, a bad day.  From the very second my eyes woke up this morning I knew I was in for a totally off day, but I didn't know that I would actually stay cranky for the entire duration of the day.  But the hours went by, my mood didn't change, and I just couldn't find motivation to make myself turn it around.  But alas, everyone has days like this, and it's totally okay!  It is what it is, we get through them, we move on and it becomes a mere thing of the past!  My family and friends were awesome in helping me keep my head up today, just as they ALWAYS are!  I know that I can always count on them at all times, and today I was reminded of just how lucky I really and truly am!!  They were so positive and encouraging all day, I couldn't help but smile regardless of the negativity in my heart!! :)  I even had some great laughs in my painfully long Thursday night class!

Today, the power of real friendship makes me happy :)

Day 149: March 23, 2011.

I started a new piece today and I couldn't be more excited about it.  Some of my current favorite music comes from the soundtrack from The Social Network, so my tentative song choice is:

Hand Covers Bruise

It's so simple yet so haunting and really goes along with my emotional connection to the piece.  It's going to be a duet and only Rachael was able to make it today so we went into the studio for an hour and started building some choreography. We walked out after an hour with enough choreography to almost take us to the end of the 4:18 piece of music, so I can't WAIT to get in the studio with both Rachael and Ross on Saturday and really start building and playing with what we've come up with!  I am SO excited to develop the piece and see where it goes...I'm thinking it's going to be a good one! :)

Today, choreographic exploration makes me happy :)

Day 148: March 22, 2011.

I really enjoy rehearsing.  Especially these days...The pieces I'm in are so much fun to dance, and I'm loving being in the studio for as many hours as I am.  Tonight I had rehearsal for Diego's jazz piece for the fifth student showing at the end of April and it's just so much fun!  Fun music, fun choreography...I can't wait to keep going! :)

Tonight, some good jazz dancing makes me happy :)

Day 147: March 21, 2011.

The first day back after any break is always tiring, no matter how excited I am to get going again.

So today, simply having a successful Monday back makes me happy :)

Day 146: March 20, 2011.

My Facebook status currently reads as follows:

I love being able to call New York City my home :) I really do, and that has just been further affirmed by the wonderful spring break week in Virginia...It's becoming much less urgent to "go home" at every opportunity available because I'm already there! Being with family and friends is more necessary than the actual location. And let me tell you, finally feeling so sure about that is a great feeling :)


Today, the feeling of assurance makes me happy :)

Day 145: March 19, 2011.

From 8th-11th grades, I was a Junior Apprentice/Apprentice with the Loudoun Ballet Company.  During those years I was blessed to be able to dance roles in full-length performances of ballets like The Nutcracker and Swan Lake that not many kids that age are given the chance to dance.  They were years and experiences that I wouldn't trade for anything, which is why I do all that I can to be in the audience for both the ballet company and jazz company performances.  The hard work and commitment put in by each and every dancer is astounding and SO inspiring, and I really, really love to be there and be able to see the finished product of weeks and weeks of rehearsing.

Today I was able to see my sister perform along with the rest of the Junior Apprentices, Apprentices and special guest artists in the Loudoun Ballet Company's 2011 production of Swan Lake.  This is a four act ballet, close to three hours long, and with the exception of a few roles, almost all the kids are on stage the entire show, dancing multiple roles (some dancing three or four different roles!  Talk about costume changes!), and even if they're not performing in every act, they're understudying, meaning that their brains and bodies are being bombarded with choreography and they are to be ready at a moments' notice to jump right in and pick it up if someone gets sick, injured, etc.  Keep in mind that professional companies who put on a production like this rehearse every day, six days a week...It's a full-time job!  So taking that into account, knowing that these dedicated dancers of Loudoun County have put a show on in less than two months (rehearsals began in early-mid January) only rehearsing Friday nights, Saturday nights and some Sundays really is an INCREDIBLE feat!

I sat in the audience for the whole show, crying my way through all four acts.  (Just call me Cathy! Ha!) The girls were stunning, the ballet itself is just a beautiful and emotional story, the memories running through my mind of performing this wonderful ballet were making me nostalgic...It was an emotional afternoon and I loved every moment of it!

The biggest thing though was how proud I was to know the dancers up there.  The majority of the dancers this season are in the 9th-11th grade range I think, some younger and a few seniors.  Every time I go home and watch these groups perform I am humbled and, like I said, inspired.  It takes time, effort, teamwork, poise, grace, technique, and optimism, among many other things, to put on the shows that they do and to the caliber that is expected of them.  I know that I left the theater yesterday wanting to put on a tutu, get into ballet class, and start dancing right then and there.  I was totally reminded why I love the beauty of live performance and why dance is such a stunning, moving art form.

Today, getting to know such an amazing group of younger kids and being able to receive the artistic gifts that they're constantly offering make me happy :)

Day 144: March 18, 2011.

One of my favorite fancier dinner restaurants is this place:

And my favorite menu item is this appetizer:

(...which is Bang Bang Shrimp in case you've never had it!  If that's the case, I highly recommend that you try it at the soonest possible opportunity!  It's incredible!)

Tonight, as you can probably guess, we went there and ate that (among plenty other delicious plates!)

So. Delicious. 

Tonight, nice family (birthday!) dinners make me happy :)

Day 143: March 17, 2011.

HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY!!! :)


Today was a stunning day here in Northern Virginia!  The weather was perfect dress-wearing weather, I broke out my TOMS shoes for the first real time of the season, and I got to visit with a family that I love as if I were an immediate family member.  I always love being able to spend time with them and to catch up, so getting this extra visit in during my week in Virginia was a wonderful bonus! :)

One thing I love about going back home and hanging around NoVA during these school breaks is the freedom I have to sing.  Just sing!  Because we don't have neighbors or roommates to be mindful of, I take full advantage of the singing time! (Unless you count my sister whose room is between my room and the bathroom, meaning she really can't escape it!)  The two places that I miss having easy vocal freedom while I'm gone is A) the shower (laugh all you want, but you know you love to sing in the shower too ;)) and B) the car.  I've never been a fan of driving--now that I don't drive on an everyday basis I don't mind it when I have to, though I've always liked the convenience of it more than the actual act!--but on gorgeous spring and summer days like today when I can roll the windows down, turn the music up and enjoy some "me" time driving along the beautiful rural landscapes of northern Loudoun County on my way to visit one of my favorite families, I am a happy camper :)

Nothing really incredibly huge happened today, but the perfect combination of so many smaller things is what makes one very, very thankful girl!

Today, the familiarity of my favorite moments from the past and the simplicity of the joy caused by beautiful spring weather makes me happy :)